I’ve had a very long, strenuous day. I’m not used to having things planned. Today I had two important things that I had to attend: Billy McAulay’s funeral and my brother (Aaron)’s college graduation.
My anxiety has been pretty bad recently. I was really worried about both of these situations. I knew that I would be surrounded by unknown people and it made me extremely anxious as I had a panic attack at the concert last week. However, Billy was a very special person and I just had to go and pay my respects and say goodbye. Aaron, is my brother, and he has done so well over the past couple of years. I knew in my heart that I had to go to.
Billy McAulay. What a special, caring, genuine and extraordinary individual. At his funeral today, the church was full. I knew it would be a great turn out as he was such a well liked man. The service was lovely. The priest had known Billy for 8 years and really conveyed Billy’s personality perfectly. He spoke of how when Billy visited Rome and was given a tour around all of the Catholic Churches; he resembled a child visiting Disney land. I smiled at the thought. That was Billy – that was how I knew him. Enthusiastic about life; and most of all – his faith.
I was very tentative about going to Billy’s funeral. I wanted to go with all of my heart – I knew it was the right thing to do. The night before Billy passed away he messaged me telling me I was talented and that I should get back into my singing and guitar playing; I had not yet found a chance to reply. I knew in my heart I had to be at his funeral. He had to know I was eternally grateful for the encouragement he always gave me and the belief that he had in me. He thought I had potential and I never got to thank him for that.
I was so anxious about going today. My heart was beating like crazy as I walked into St Lucy’s Catholic Church. I had not been to a church since the passing of my Gran McElhinney. I was not sure if I was emotionally or mentally ready to go back into a church. Before I lost my Gran, I went to church regularly. After I lost my Gran, I guess I stopped going as much and I can’t explain why. The thought of going to mass and perhaps hearing a hymn that was sung at my Gran’s funeral was heart breaking. I wasn’t sure if I could handle that. I spent days worrying about wether or not I should go and what would be the right thing to do. I went. I’m glad I went. I knew if I didn’t go I would regret it for the rest of my days. It was an extremely sad morning but Billy had a wonderful send off – just what he deserved. I just know Billy will be eternally missed by so many people. Rest in peace, Billy McAulay, thank you for everything.
Later on in the evening, I attended my brother, Aaron’s, college graduation. He had personally asked if I would go and support him. How could I say no? For a week, I worried about it. I worried about worrying about it (I’m an over thinker – it’s what I do). I stressed myself out about it. Where would it be? What sort of people would be there? What do I wear? Will people judge me? What do I do? In the end, it all turned out ok. My brother was really pleased that I went and I was super proud of him. He stood there, dignified and proud, in his robe. My brother. I’m proud of the man he has become.
I really had to push myself today to attend Billy’s funeral and Aaron’s graduation. I feel totally drained. I think I have perhaps pushed myself and done too much too soon. However, I feel better that I was able to go. I was able to say goodbye to Billy and I was able to watch my brother walk proudly on to the stage and graduate college. It’s been an intense day. A hard day for me. I’m not used to doing so much in one day. I think I am going to have an early night.
Rest in peace, Billy. God bless.