I wasn’t going to write a blog post today as I’m literally doing nothing. However, if I let myself fall out of the habit of blogging regularly, then the chances are I will stop. I don’t want to stop blogging. It’s really helping me in a variety of ways: It’s encouraging me to open up about my anxiety and depression, it is allowing me to discover other people (from different areas around the world) who can relate to me and find comfort in my writing and it gives me something to strive for weekly. At the moment, I have no idea which direction my life is going, I feel like I have completely lost myself and no longer recognise this woman I have become. Blogging (well, writing in general) enables me to open up and release my thoughts. I feel like it’s probably one of the very few ways that I can express myself nowadays.
I’m currently in the bath; typing this blog post from my mobile phone. I woke up this morning with feelings of worthlessness and self-loathing, which I can’t explain. It took me a lot to get out of my bed today. I never wanted to face anyone (not even my parents); I never wanted to leave my safe haven – which is my bedroom. I just want to be alone with my thoughts. I felt it was appropriate to write a blog post about these oppressive and dispiriting thoughts, and feelings, how else will I ever get better unless I face up to reality? These negative thoughts; these dejected feelings – they are real. I need to come to terms with them, accept them and try and live with them. I hope to overcome them. At the moment, I’m letting them control and rule my life. These feelings have taken over the girl I once was and they are preventing and suppressing me from fulfilling a joyful and normal life.
One of my biggest downfalls is my insecurity and my constant comparing myself to other people. I always feel inferior; I always feel as though everywhere I go in life there is someone better than me – it holds me back severely. I know I shouldn’t care about other people but I do. I always worry that I am below other people and that I am not as valuable or good as them. It’s a ridiculous thought but it’s true. I wish, with all of my heart, that I never had this frame of mind. I often wonder why this has become of me? I know this isn’t me. Why do I think like this? What has caused these thoughts? Why can’t I do anything about them? I beat myself up about it daily.
Tomorrow is a new day; it’s inevitable that I will wake up and feel the same way I did this morning. However, I just need to get on with it, it’s life. Everyone is faced with difficulties that they can not cope or deal with in the way they would like to. There is always someone worse off out there. There are people out there going through a hell of a lot worse than me.
So, I plan on reading for the majority of the day. Reading is wonderful – it’s a distraction – when I am reading, my mind finds it difficult to wander as I am focusing on the words in front of me, so at least when I’m reading my mind is at rest and I feel at ease. Also, it’s a miserable day. The rain is pelting off my window and I find it soothing and tranquil – I love listening to the rain.
Hopefully my next blog post is a little bit more pleasant for you…