This morning, I logged on to my Facebook account and what I saw hit me like a ton of bricks: A video of me (from 2 years ago) singing and playing guitar.
Many of you may be wondering why such a thing would overwhelm me so much; let me tell you, it breaks my heart watching myself back then, so enthusiastic, eager to learn and reasonably confident. I don’t know who that girl is anymore…
I could only watch the video for the first minute and then I had to turn it off. I felt profound sadness as I watched this ambitious and confident young girl, singing so passionately and boldly, knowing that that same girl is totally within herself now and has no belief or confidence in herself. I despair. Only two/three years ago, I grasped every opportunity to perform for others and increase my confidence. I worked exceedingly hard to get to the confident stage I was at – I wasn’t quite there yet – but I had made such an improvement. I did gigs in Glasgow in pubs, I headlined in a notorious venue known as “Ivory Blacks”, I organised and performed charity gigs, I volunteered to perform at a care home in my local area for their ‘Christmas dance’ and their summer fete – I done many various things, all of which were extremely out of my comfort zone – why can’t I do that now? I find myself sitting, gazing over at my guitar, which hangs on my wall like a painting. It does not get used anymore. My eyes are fixated on this beautiful piece of wood, which lives in my bedroom, and has the potential to sound incredible. My dad is a wonderful guitarist (although he does not give himself enough credit). I sit in my bedroom and I listen as my dad creates wonderful music from downstairs. He is extremely talented; if only I could pluck up the courage to sit with him and ask him to teach me. On so many occasions, my dad has tried to coax me in to learning some new chords or at least just picking up my guitar but as always – I don’t. I’ve developed a fear of anything that I believe is out of my comfort zone. Singing and playing the guitar is just the start. There are so many things I would love to be doing; however I suppress myself from doing any of them. It’s unexplainable. I don’t expect anyone to understand, even I don’t, but it’s such a horrible thing to have to endure – every day.
Many people tell me to just ‘push myself’. Easier said than done, I can assure you. My anxiety holds me back from doing so. No matter how much I want something; sometimes I just can’t let myself. It’s awful. Next thing I know, I’m comparing my life to other people’s, bringing myself down and letting myself feel worthless. I know that is no way to live, but it’s the norm for me now. I guess I’ve just kind of accepted that I’m inferior and that I’ve let myself down. I worked hard at school, gained good grades and kept my head down, and this is what has become of me. It’s melancholy. It’s sad. And I’m very sorry – for myself.
The sad part is, I know in my heart that I am capable and that I have the potential. All of my life, I have aspired to be an actress. I’ve always been enthralled by musical theatre, soaps and films. I’ve always watched in awe, thinking ‘I can do that.’ I wish I had some confidence to put myself forward for something acting related; I wish I could just give myself a shake and snap out of this mind frame. If only.
For now, I’m focusing on getting better. I want to be the girl I used to be. I’m throughly enjoying writing at the moment and I see it as progress. It’s something I feel passionate about at the moment and I always look forward to it as it’s the only way I can express how I’m feeling just now. (Although I don’t even think I’m very great at that).
I’ve been given the advice to ‘not focus on what I can’t do – but what I can do’ so I’m trying to keep that thought and stay positive. Although I have fell away from acting, singing and playing the guitar; I am still writing and I still have the want to do all of those things. Perhaps in time, I will just throw myself in the deep end, and just do it. But for now – tomorrow is just another day.
2/3 years ago. Me, busking in Buchanan Street, Glasgow. Me, performing my first gig, in a cafe called ‘Beanscene’ in Clarkston. Oh how time flies!