I just thought I would write a blog post as I have been feeling a bit dispirited and down in the dumps today. I can’t really rationalize why because I don’t know.
Recently, whilst I sleep, I have been having constant nightmares. These nightmares consist of a variety of different things – I have been waking myself up from these nightmares quite a lot and it’s really disturbing my sleep. I just wish I could close my eyes and dream of something delightful for a change. Every night I am dreading going to sleep because I fear of what nightmare I will endure that night.
This morning, when I woke up, I just didn’t want to leave my bed. I didn’t want to face anyone. I sat there for hours, talking myself in and out of doing things, an oppressive battle in my head that I just couldn’t win. A massive part of me was encouraging myself and trying to coax me into going out because I knew, at the end of the day, I would look back at my day and feel proud for leaving the house; another part of me was telling me I couldn’t leave the house, that staying in my room was the right thing to do, that leaving might cause me harm or discomfort. It’s a vicious circle. It’s a struggle, going through depression and anxiety, all at the one time. It’s too much. Nobody really understands it until they have gone through it themselves. I keep asking myself how will I ever overcome this? I keep telling myself that I will – some day I will just snap out of this and I’ll hopefully get back to the girl I once was. I understand it will be a long process. I’m trying. And I want to get there; I want it more than anything.
Let me tell you about my day: I eventually dragged myself out of my bed. It took every single bit of will power that I had to force myself out of the door today and I am extremely proud of myself for doing that. If it wasn’t for my therapeutic counsellor putting me forward for the gym then I know, for certain, I’d have stayed in my bedroom all day today – over thinking and beating myself up. I reluctantly made my way to my local gym and began working out. My heart wasn’t in it the way it usually is when my friend Megan and I go together; we keep one another motivated and go at a pace suitable for one another. Today I pushed myself. I pushed myself too much and my head kept telling me to stop. I wanted so badly to sweat out all of the negative thoughts that I had been having. Instead, I found myself feeling totally drained and extremely low. I told myself enough was enough and I made my way home.
Sometimes in life, pushing yourself may not be the answer. On many occasions, I have had people tell me that sometimes you just need to do it, you have to push yourself to your absolute limit if you want to get anywhere in life. I realised today that this may not always be the case and perhaps I should stick to visiting the gym with a friend and taking it easy until I feel ready to go alone.
Tomorrow is a new day. I’m just going to take it easy tonight as I’m not feeling the best.