A Bit of Everything

I want to start my blog with a brief mention about Christmas. I am currently typing this blog post from a laptop (for the first time ever). All of my previous blog posts have been typed up from my phone – usually whilst I soak in the bath. My boyfriend bought me a lovely laptop, as one of my many gifts that he bought me for my Christmas, I was absolutely spoiled. I am extremely grateful for everything I received. He wanted to treat me to a laptop to try and encourage me to continue writing, and blogging, so here I am.

I’m finding it a bit strange typing on a keypad as I have gotten so used to using a touch screen to type. Isn’t it strange? Something that I used to do so frequently and yet it all feels so new to me.

Over the past few days I have been rather aloof from social media; I guess I have had many things on my mind. A few people have tried to set me back, over the past few weeks and I have let these people bring me down even further. I know in my heart I should not let their words have an affect on me; but I do – profoundly. I constantly beat myself up, over one person’s negative attitude and oppressive words towards me. I often wonder if this person is not alone in their thoughts – does everyone think this of me?

Christmas was difficult this year. I spent the majority of the night in my bedroom with my boyfriend. It was the first Christmas my family had ever spent without my Gran McElhinney. As If this wasn’t hard enough; My Gran Rundell was just out of the hospital and was not well enough to join us this year. A Christmas without both of my Grans. It just wasn’t right. I visited my Gran McElhinney’s grave and the tears flooded from my eyes. I would never have thought last Christmas that the following year I would be standing by her graveside. I miss her more than anything.

In my previous blog post, I touched on a subject about my friend betraying me. He was someone I went through school with. Someone who always stood by my side and helped and encouraged me in any way they could. Someone I could laugh with. Someone I could confide in (I thought). Just the other day, I logged on to my social media page. I had a notification alerting me that this ‘friend’ had commented on one of my recent photos. My first thought was joyous; I assumed that he was contacting me for a catch up. (I had not heard from him in quite a while.) I couldn’t have been any more wrong. It was a hate filled paragraph – under one of my photos – in which he totally humiliated, degraded and belittled me. Not only did this shock, offend and embarrass me; It hurt me more than anything. I felt an emptiness in the pit of my stomach. How could a ‘friend’ do this? How could a human being be so heartless and spiteful as to publicly humiliate me in this way? It was beyond me. I’m sad for him. I’m sad for the loss of someone I would have counted as a dearly valued friend. Someone that I had a lot of time for; Someone, in which I thought, who partially understood what I was going through.

Words are powerful. I believe an individual’s words can change everything. Some of the things that were said about me – I can not forget. I am over-thinking and replaying these nasty and negative words over and over in my head like a broken record. I worry. I worry that everyone thinks these same thoughts about me. That perhaps there are more people out there that think little of me. This one person’s words have set me back. The progress that I felt I was making are now obstacles: Blogging, Going to the gym, Making an effort to see my friends and Pushing myself to go places are all hurdles in which I will need to overcome – again. I really felt like I was making progress, I really felt like these little steps were my way of getting back to my old self. However, now I just worry that people are thinking negatively of me for doing these things. Isn’t it ludicrous that in this life people scrutinize and bring you down for trying? All you can ever do is try. I keep telling myself this.

People can be so judgmental. In saying this, people can also be so understanding. It is just unfortunate that in this life, there are many people out there that just do not like seeing other people happy; People that revel in seeing (and making) other people miserable. Such is life.

My main focus at the moment is getting myself back to the girl I used to be. I know myself what I am going through; I also realize that I do not need to justify myself to anyone. I write because it is therapeutic for me, It is a passion, It is something that I get a great deal of pleasure out of doing. I do not write because I want people’s sympathy, or to brag, or to gain people’s attention. If nobody read my blog – I would not mind. It is something I do for myself. However, I have received countless messages, with nothing but positivity and encouragement from people I don’t even know – and that is a massive achievement and wonderful feeling for me. I am glad that people thoroughly enjoy reading my blog; I am pleased that through my writing, I have managed to bring comfort to and help other people. It truly is remarkable that my words have the ability to do that.

I hope you all had a lovely Christmas. I will try and get back into the habit of blogging more frequently as I have lost this recently.


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