Tomorrow is New Year’s Eve: The End of 2015. I can not believe that another year has passed. I have endured the most difficult year of my life – for various reasons. I wanted to write a blog post summarizing my year. So here goes:
Where do I start? Firstly I want to mention the most devastating thing that occurred for me this year. It was the loss of the most dearest lady in my life; A wonderful, beautiful lady in which I proudly call my Gran McElhinney. I will not go into significant details (as I have previously wrote a lengthy blog post about the details of my Gran’s death) but I just want to reiterate how special this lady was and how painful this year has been for me without her. I lost my Gran in March – It feels like just yesterday. Not a day goes by where I don’t miss her, think of her and wish, with all of my heart, that she were still here.
2015 has been an eye opener for me. I have discovered who my real friends, and family, are. I have been let down on many occasions – by people whom I would never have imagined would betray me – and it is the same people who have continuously stood by my side and done everything in their power to bring me back up again. I am eternally grateful to these people. I am indebted to these wonderful people for the rest of my life. Firstly, there is Alastair, my boyfriend. I have been a nightmare this year; The girl (in which he fell in love with) has been lost for a very long time. She is still trying to find her way and he is still by my side, holding my hand. Recently, I have had more bad days than good, and I am fully aware that I have been a burden this year, and an absolute misery, but he has tried – every single day – to put a smile on my face. I can not thank him enough for that. Through the passing of my Gran, and my diagnosis of Depression and Anxiety, all of the appointments and medication – he has had my back. He has helped me in every possible way he could. He is my rock. Secondly, I want to mention my closest, and most cherished friend, ‘Lozza’. What a girl. She really is my friend for life. We became friends when we were roughly 8 years old; throughout the years our friendship has fortified and blossomed. She has also had my back through thick and thin. She has done everything she possibly could for me and has offered me nothing but support and encouragement over this past year. I cried hysterically in her arms, at my Gran’s funeral, as she embraced me and soothed me with her gentle words. She has attended countless appointments with me to help me get back to the girl I used to be (if it wasn’t for Lozza, I would never have went to seek help in the first place). She genuinely wants what is best for me. I value our friendship tremendously. I do not remember my life without this girl in it; And I would never want to. Nobody could replace her. I also want to mention my Mum and Dad. They embody the idyllic and most impeccable parents. They have had a pretty tough time over the years but they have never let it affect their relationship – or our family – their love is unconditional and they would always put me (and my brother) before themselves. My mother and father have yet to have a honey moon. They have been married for 16 years (or something like that) and they have yet to go on a holiday together. I hope that in 2016 my parents manage to have a break away from here. I think after the strenuous year our family has had; It is the least they deserve. They are just wonderful and I love them with every bone in my body. (Although I never tell them quite how much they mean to me.) There are other people I would like to mention however I want to move on to another topic. The people whom I hold close to my heart – they know. The people who have been there for me in 2015, know who they are, and I’m 100% sure they know how grateful I am for having them in my life.
Depression and Anxiety. I would never have thought, two years ago, that I would become this person that I am now. I am a shadow of the girl I used to be. My favorite quote: “Behind this smile is everything you will never understand” describes my situation perfectly. If you were to meet me, you would think that my life was alright, that I was just your average girl who enjoys life and wakes up every day looking forward to what the day has to hold. But I don’t. I smile on the outside. Meanwhile I am screaming on the inside. Every day, negative thoughts are constantly racing through my mind. I have no control over these thoughts. No understanding. This is the depression. Then the anxiety kicks in. The constant suppression from something inside me in which I can’t explain. I want to do things, go places, feel and think things – but I won’t allow myself. It is a constant oppressive battle in which I hope one day I can win. I long for the day I can switch off. I want to think normally again, I want to stop worrying and stressing over the most silliest and smallest of things. I constantly make mountains out of mole hills. I create problems and situations in my head when there isn’t one. I regularly bring myself down and feel inferior to everyone. I repeatedly tell myself that I am not good enough, or that I am not capable, or that people are judging me. I want to wake up one day and just obliterate these thoughts and live my life like a normal person. Just one day. It would be a blessing to not loathe myself for just one day.
I have to admit, although 2015 has had it’s majority of lows, It has also had it’s highs. I took a step in the right direction and accepted help, I will be starting 2016 with good intentions and goals in which I hope I can work towards, I have became closer to people who are trying to help me with my confidence and who are helping me strive towards my goals, I began blogging, I began eating toppings on my pizza, I have been privileged to create beautiful memories with the most wonderful people and I have finally realized who I actually need in my life.
I hope that 2016 is a productive year for me. I hope that it brings good things. I know nothing is easy and that I will have to work extremely hard to get where I want to be; But I believe I will get there. It will be a slow process but it will be worth it. I will look back at this blog, I hope, this time next year and I want to be proud of myself for all I have achieved. I want to feel like Charlene McElhinney again one day. I have forgotten what it feels like to be myself and that is sorrowful. One day, I will feel like me again – and it will be the most miraculous and magical feeling ever.