29th of January

I haven’t wrote a blog post since Monday so I thought I better keep you all up to date and talk to you about some of the things I mentioned were happening throughout my week. So here goes:

Firstly, I want to touch on the outcome of my two appointments this week. The first one I attended was on Tuesday (26th of January). This is an appointment that I attend at least once a month and it is to essentially try and encourage, push and invigorate me to continue making progress and to be setting myself goals and striving to achieve these aspirations. Every time we meet, we discuss and review the progression in which I am making. We mainly focus on what I am finding difficult to do and the areas that I am struggling with in daily life – that I should not be. I find these regular appointments exceptionally helpful as it makes me want to push myself, that extra bit more, so that they can witness the extent of which I am trying. I constantly have to remind myself that in life, all you can ever do is try, things will always find a way of working themselves out. In my case, it is a slow process. However I do believe that I will get back to the girl I once was. Slowly but surely. The second appointment was on Thursday (28th of January). This appointment is one that I visit fortnightly – but sometimes every week. I find this session hugely helpful. It enables me to open up about almost anything. I am encouraged to speak out about all of the negative thoughts and beliefs that go through my head on a daily basis. I am supported and made to feel at ease. They are patient with me. They respect me. They listen to me. I have been offered many different techniques and ways to try and help me understand these emotions and to try and help me overcome them. I am beginning to vaguely distinguish that in this life; I have no enemies but myself. Every day I wish I was someone else…something else. I no longer want that to be the case. I am exhausting myself every day by trying so hard to change this way of thinking. Insecurity and lack of confidence in myself, and my abilities, is my biggest hurdle in life. It has suppressed me from countless opportunities. It has held me back for so long. I want to push myself to my absolute limit; I aim to challenge myself as much as I can throughout the year of 2016. (I have just realized that I am going off on a spiel). So, yes, my two appointments went really well this week.

On the contrary, I want to share something with you all that just completely fascinated me just the other day. I purchased a gel nail polish online that described itself as ‘Chameleon’ (or something). Basically it stated that the colour of this polish would differentiate according to temperature. My initial thought was how is that possible? I thought it was a ludicrous assumption – I was proved wrong. Perhaps I am just easily amused but when I witnessed that my nail polish could change colour by itself – ultimately because of the temperature – I was astounded and bewildered. I was so pleased about it that I sat with a hair dryer for a few moments, allowing the warmth of the dryer to  heat my toes up, and then turned it off to watch them change back to the original colour that they were in the ‘cold’. I was so excited about this! (I just had to share it with you).

Recently, my friend and I have been visiting the gym as much as possible. We encourage one another and keep each other motivated. I plan on writing a full blog post about the gym and the benefits it has  – not only to one’s physical health – but for a person’s mental health too. I just wanted to share an inspiring quote that I stumbled upon online that I found very relatable: “Exercise to stimulate, not to annihilate. The world was not formed in a day and neither were we. Set small goals and build upon them.”

Just before I wrap up this blog post and leave you all to enjoy your weekend – I have one more thing I want to write about: Inconsiderate and rude people. Why? I really can not comprehend how people can go through their life being so ungracious and thoughtless to people that they do not even know. I was so aggravated this morning because a bus driver was damn right rude to me and absolutely humiliated me – and shocked me to be honest. This man was heartless. He reveled in making me feel uneasy. Why would you want someone to have that sort of impression on you?

Anyway, I don’t want to finish on a bad note. I’m trying to be as optimistic as I possibly can in my blogs from now on which, let me tell you, will not be easy. I will reiterate what I proclaimed earlier – all you can ever do is try – I can only try. I’m pretty excited as I have a blog post coming up this week which is going to be something entirely different from what I usually blog about. My blog posts usually consist of life and such. This is going to be something new for me, a challenge, I’m going to embrace it!


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Happy Birthday to my Boyfriend

I decided, that because my boyfriend doesn’t have social media, I would write a blog post solely dedicated to him as it is his 24th birthday today. Most couples post a photograph or a sentiment on one another’s social media pages (or the like) but since my man does not have Facebook or Twitter I felt a blog dedicated to him would be a nice gesture. 

I would like to start by wishing you a wonderful day (what is left of it) Alastair Waters. I would also like to thank you for absolutely everything that you do for me. I have mentioned before – and will do again – that you are my rock. I hope that I have managed to create a memorable and special day for you and that I have done enough for you to make you feel content and joyful on this important day. 

I know you did not want a fuss. We have had a pleasant, low-key and delightful day. It’s a shame that you are off work with a sore back and you have came down with an awful cold on your birthday; but it’s been a glorious day. We did what we do best. Just spending time together, laughing, talking and finding things to do together to keep ourselves amused – we certainly don’t need to go out anywhere or be with other people to have a thrilling day – we do that ourselves. No matter where we are. I relish that about us!  

I don’t want to spend any more time on my laptop tonight as I want to give you all of my attention (don’t get too used to it). Once again, I wish you the most magical birthday and I aim to make it as marvelous as I can for you. 

Happy 24th Birthday, Alastair Waters.

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24th of January

Good Evening!

Since It’s Sunday I thought I would write a blog post to end my week on a ‘high’. I have only done one post this week so this will be my second. I need to get myself back into the habit of blogging much more frequently. My weekend started off relatively well. For the first time in ages, when I was in the shop I purchased a scratch card, which cost me one pound. It was one pound well spent – I quintupled it – I found myself winning a fiver! I spent the weekend in Ayr; staying at my boyfriend’s mum’s house. We used to stay regularly but haven’t been going much recently. I was really proud of myself for going, this was a big step for me, and I thoroughly enjoyed a quiet weekend with my boyfriend in a new environment. (Not completely new – but unfamiliar as we hadn’t been in quite some time.)

Something I wanted to touch on throughout this blog was a thing that I don’t quite fathom or know how to take: when people copy you. It really is beyond me why someone would try and be like somebody else – especially when it is blatantly obvious. Is it just plain irritating or is actually, in some absurd way, a compliment? I guess you can look it from two completely different perspectives. Yes, in some ridiculous way, it is a compliment. If someone is striving to be like you and do the things that you do then that can be seen as flattery and perhaps admiration towards you. On the other hand, it becomes aggravating and disturbing. It makes you feel as though someone is watching your every move. It makes you feel as though you are being scrutinized and duplicated. The reason why people are so fascinating and interesting is because each and every one of us is different –  perhaps that is the reason we are referred to as individuals? God made us all unique – individual. I believe we are all different. Why on earth would someone, slowly but surely, start to try and become another person. (I’ve just realized that I’m going off on a rant so I’ll try and get back to the point I was making.) Basically, I’m trying to say, Be Yourself. If you are true to yourself then that is the best you can possibly ever be. Don’t ever let yourself feel like you have to become more like another person to better yourself. You are you. There is nobody in this entire world who is quite like you.

I have two appointments this week. I like to try and share things that I learn from these appointments, or think would be beneficial to others, in my blogs. So far I have spoke briefly about mindfulness and I spoke about thought processes etc. I really want to be more open about things over the next few months and try give some advice to people who are struggling to cope or deal with their anxiety or depression. I have received so much positive feedback from people telling me that they can relate to me and have took comfort from my words – nothing would give me greater pleasure than continuing to do this. I have received a few irreverent comments from people too, which is very disheartening, but I am trying my very best to push them to the back of my mind and to keep on writing until it kills me!

I hope you have all had a wonderful weekend and that you have an easy and pleasurable week. It is my boyfriend’s 24th birthday tomorrow (we celebrated it at the weekend). He is working tomorrow, the poor soul. I am going to do what I can when he comes home to make sure he has a memorable and special birthday.

Please feel free to comment under my blog or message me directly if you want to ask me something or say anything to me – I am always more than happy to reply and hear your thoughts!

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A Smile does not mean you are happy

I have not yet posted a blog this week and I have had a few people asking me how my appointment went last week and to write a blog soon – so here I am.

Yes, my appointment went well. It consisted mainly of trying to combat my perpetual negative thoughts. I hope that in time these decrease or eventually fade away. It’s very tiring going through day-to-day life constantly thinking the worst of everything and enduring horrible thoughts throughout the majority of my day. The lady that I had the appointment with is such a great listener and extremely understanding. I find it difficult to open up, in person, and speak to someone about my feelings and thoughts. She is very patient with me and tries her best to understand. It actually feels good to get some things off my chest and to hear what someone else thinks sometimes. Writing will always be my desired way of expressing myself though.

Recently, I have been pushing myself to go to the gym as much as possible. I have an exceptionally supportive friend who comes along with me, Megan. We were friends at school and never really kept in touch once we had left. Once Megan had read my blogs and discovered that I had not been keeping very well and was not myself; she immediately messaged me and offered to come along. I’m highly grateful that she did because if it wasn’t for her- I would still be spending the majority of my days in my bedroom. Every day, she texts me and encourages me. She always acknowledges the effort I put in and continuously motivates me to continue going and making progress. Today I went to the gym and I spent roughly 4/5 hours there working out. I had no rest or nothing to eat beforehand (which I understand, fully, that this isn’t good for you). However, my main reason for attending the gym is not for my physical health – it is for my mental health. I know that may sound crazy however I am so used to spending my time in my bedroom, alone, with all of these overpowering negative thoughts and worries. Visiting the gym,working up a sweat and totally losing myself into this zone that I can’t explain is working absolutely wonders for me. It’s a struggle to get there for me. I want to stay at home and be on my own and not face the world. It’s a push. It’s a big step for me. But once the day is done, I am so proud of myself, and I feel like I have accomplished something.

I want to post a photo at the end of this blog of me smiling. My main reason is because on one of my previous blogs I received a comment from someone asking how I can possibly smile when I am suffering from depression? A smile can hide everything. The prettiest smiles hide the deepest secrets, the prettiest eyes have cried the most tears and the kindest hearts have felt the most pain. A smile does not mean you are happy on the inside. A smile does not define how someone feels. Personally, I believe that if you want to know how someone feels, their eyes will tell you the truth – if you look deep enough.

There wasn’t much else I wanted to write about tonight as it’s been a long day for me and I feel rather drained. I will try and make sure I am making my blogs more regular (as that was one of my main goals for 2016.)

I hope you all have a pleasant Thursday night and a great weekend!


£1 Note

It’s bitterly cold this morning – It has been snowing throughout the night and it has lay on the ground – a pleasant sight but bloody freezing all the same. 

I have an appointment today at 1 o’ clock. I’m pretty nervous as I haven’t been for a few weeks due to the festive period. The last visit I had to this appointment, I practiced mindfulness meditation. At first, I felt rather silly, sitting in a room whilst someone spoke gently to me – asking me to shut my eyes and think about my breathing – but once I got into it, the feeling was astounding. I managed to let my mind drift to peaceful thoughts (if only for a few moments). Mindfulness meditation is a very good thing – for anyone. It allows you to relax, to try and not think about anything but the words that are being said and perhaps a time for reflection. If you go on YouTube, and type in Mindfulness Meditation, there will be a variety of different videos that pop up. I recommend that perhaps you listen to this if you’re feeling stressed, or before you study, maybe in the bath or before bed at night. It is a brilliant thing. Like I said, I felt ridiculous at first but it truly is a remarkable thing and can work wonders if you let it. Even if it just helps you relax for a few short moments, those moments are precious, and it is totally worth it. I should definitely be doing it more. (I’m terrible for taking my own advice).
Yesterday, my uncle gave me a £1 note. The last batch of £1 notes were produced in 2001 (or round about then). They done away with them. It’s crazy to hold one and think, how many people have held this in their hand? At one time, was this value greater than what it is now? Why did they do away with the £1 note? I’m not even sure if places still accept £1 notes. My Uncle is a taxi driver and it was an old lady who tried to pay for her fare with £1 notes; I think that is just marvellous. I wonder if this lady knows that the £1 note circulation is dying out or wether she genuinely was naive to the fact these don’t get used anymore. Either way, I’m glad she did. I’m easy pleased and I’m honoured to be in possession of a £1 note – I will treasure it – it’s part of history. Isn’t it? 
Last night, I made up my lunch which consisted of a sandwich (two slices of 50/50 wholemeal bread) and ham, a banana and raspberry yoghurt flakes. I have never been the type of person to prepare my lunch, or anything for that matter, for the next day. I usually just take things when they come, eat when I’m hungry, whatever that may be. Over the past week or so, I have really been watching what I eat. I have been noting down everything. It’s interesting actually. I wish I liked brown bread because I know it’s very good for you, but for now, the 50/50 will have to suffice. I really want to become better at eating this year; I would like to start trying things. I’m a terribly fussy eater, I want to work on that. If you didn’t read my last blog post – I have been using an app on my phone called ‘My Fitness Pal’ – you should download it and try it out. It’s a very fascinating thing to have. 
Anyway, It’s early and I am up – looking forward to eating my somewhat healthy lunch. I am not looking forward to this appointment today as I’m not sure what it will entail and that makes me anxious. The unknown is very daunting for me. However, I always leave feeling better that I went. I’m also not looking forward to going out in that weather! 
I hope you all have a wonderful day 🙂

Morning quick blog short and sweet Tuesday new post

Good Morning!

Someone told me that it is my job to make people understand what it is I am going through. Yes, I’m smiling in photos. Yes, when I go out I put some make up on and make an effort with my appearance. Yes, I do these things. But I am not all that I seem. I can understand why people may not think that I am going through a difficult time – my social media pages suggest otherwise – but that’s just it. The thing is, with social media, we only portray what we want people to see. We want to create the allusion that our lives are going well and we are happy and content. When in actual fact: We are not. 

That is why I started a blog. I wanted to open up and talk about what I think and feel on a regular basis. I wanted to try and explain what it is like for a 19 year old girl to be suffering such anxiety and depression. I wanted to try and explain myself to those who think negatively or wrongly of me; likewise to those who thought I was happy and comfortable. In saying that, there are many other reasons why I started a blog…
I did not just start a blog to write about depression and anxiety. This was simply just a way of venting for me and trying to make progress. There are a variety of topics in which I definitely want to blog about. I wanted my blog to be an online journal. I mentioned, previously, that I have been writing in a journal since I was at Primary School. I still do to this day. However, I just felt that taking my personal writing online may be beneficial for me. And I’m enjoying it thus far. I will continue to do so.
Recently, since I started going to the gym, I have been watching what I eat. My main reason for going to the gym is to uplift my mood and to try and encourage me to leave the house more (which I have been doing). I downloaded an app, it’s called ‘My Fitness Pal’. It’s brilliant. You can track what you are eating, drinking and how much excersize you are doing. You enter in your height, weight, age, gender and goals and it sets you an amount of calories a day as a ‘goal’. It’s a great thing if you want to lose, gain or even maintain your weight. I’m a terrible eater – extremely fussy – I don’t eat fish, eggs, I don’t eat much meat or chicken, I’m not a fan of vegetables (unless it is my mum’s lentil soup!), I rarely eat fruit… and so on and so forth. I’m really enjoying tracking what I eat on a daily basis as I am realising how bad my eating habits are and where I need to improve. I definitely recommend it. It’s brilliant. 
Today I got up at 06:30am. I did not sleep very well last night. It took me absolutely ages to drift off to sleep (I wouldn’t even say I drifted off, it was a struggle). My mind was in overdrive. No matter how much I tried to focus on something else; my mind would wander. It was awful. I felt myself tossing and turning for ages. It really is infuriating. Eventually, I got to sleep. I could not tell you how much sleep I had but I am a very tired girl today. My plan of action today is to go to the gym, with my friend, and work up a sweat. I want to exhaust myself so that, hopefully, tonight I can sleep easily. The chances of that happening are pretty slim but it is worth a shot. 
I hope that you have an enjoyable and easy day whatever you are doing. 🙂 
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A Follow Up from My Last Post

I’ve been a bit reluctant to blog recently as I received one or two negative messages following my previous blog. I don’t know why I took the comments to heart as one of them was from a girl which revels in constantly trying to make me feel miserable about myself. After giving it a lot of thought, I have accepted the fact that there will always be people out there that would rather witness you fail than succeed. My good friend, Lozza, told me that no matter what I do – people will always judge me anyway. It’s true. That’s life. I may as well be judged for something I enjoy doing: writing.

I gave the gym a break for a while as I was paranoid that people were talking negatively about me for going –  judging and questioning. However, that break from the gym made me realise how much good it was doing. I still don’t feel like I could go by myself.  I go with a friend. I have really bad days where I just want to stay in my bedroom, not face the world, and my friend encourages me to go and I always feel better for doing it. I don’t want to go back to the days where I would go weeks, months on end, constantly wanting to stay in the confines of my own bedroom walls. I am fully aware that I am still going to have many days like this before I get better however visits to the gym regularly is great progression for me. When I am there, it is like I zone out, I push myself and push myself. I work up a sweat to help obliterate all the tension, feelings and worries that I have – if even for a single moment. 

I keep reminding myself that this is the beginning of a new year: 2016. I have to look forward. I have to try, as hard as I can, this year. In my last post I briefly mentioned some of my goals. One of which was to frequently blog. I haven’t done so this week as my mind has been in another place. In saying that, I want to stick by my words. I will try my best to religiously blog about everything and anything. The heartening messages I receive from people telling me that they thoroughly enjoy reading my blogs is enough to make me want to continue. Another thing that I mentioned in my last post is that I was not going to let anyone get in the way of me making progress this year and getting better – which is why I have decided to brush off the nasty comments I received from my last post. I am always grateful to people that take their precious time (emphasis on the word precious – time is something we can never get back) to read my blogs. It is partially a compliment that even people who dislike me take the time to read my blogs. Perhaps it is just out of curiosity or snoopiness but I see it is a good thing. I want these people to know how hard I am trying. I am going through such a difficult time, and I have been for quite a long period of time now but I want everyone to know how lucky I am for being surrounded by the greatest bunch of people I could ever possibly ask for to help me get through it. I am also working with the loveliest, understanding and reliable people to make progress and get better. I may not be at my best at the moment and becoming successful, wealthy or triumphant. But I’m trying to find myself again and I am trying, with all of my might, to wake up one day and look forward to the day ahead. One day, I will wake up without dread and weariness. One day.

There was nothing in particular I wanted to blog about this evening. I just wanted to do a quick post as it is Sunday night and it has been several days since my last blog entry. I have been trying my very best to keep a positive mindset recently. It is one of the biggest struggles in life that I have ever faced. But it’s something I want. So, I will keep blogging. I will try my best to go to the gym as often as I can. I will practice mindfulness as much as possible. (For those of you who do not know what mindfulness is – please research it – It is a wonderful thing for everyone in it’s own way.) I will write a blogpost throughout the next few months about mindfulness.

In response to the girl who dislikes me, very much so, that stated I should stop blogging and start doing something productive with my life… there you have it. I am doing something fruitful with my life. Each and every one of us is different in our own unique way. We all have battles and struggles in life in which we deal with entirely differently from one another. This is my life and these are my goals and I am making excellent progress. Never put another person down to make yourself feel better. You will never fully be happy if you continue to live your life this way.

Have a lovely Sunday evening! I look forward to writing my next blog post for you. 🙂