Happy New Year!
I apologize that it is late however this is my first blog post in 2016 and I could not start it without wishing you all the very best for the year that awaits us.
The reason why I have not been writing regularly is simply because I worry too much about what other people think of me – it has to stop. I need to stop caring about other people’s judgement of me. They do not know me. 2016 is about me. I need to focus on getting myself better and one of the ways in which I know for sure will help me achieve this goal is writing. Writing soothes my soul and enables me to write freely about whatever is going through my mind. It allows me to openly and willingly vocalize how I feel and things that I do or go through on a daily basis. Being candid and honest and telling people how I feel is a difficult but positive thing for me. For over a year, I suffered in silence, but now I can share my experiences with other people who take comfort from my words and that alone is truly remarkable.
In 2016, I plan on writing in depth about Depression and Anxiety. It is something that people find extremely difficult to understand unless they have gone through it themselves. Depression and Anxiety share a lot in common however they are both two entirely different conditions. It is so strenuous and tiring going through them both at the same time. For me, Depression makes me feel constantly low, inferior and just not good enough in every aspect of life. Meanwhile, the anxiety makes me feel scared and holds me back from doing anything productive about it. It is a vicious circle. It is exhausting. Going through Depression makes me constantly feel like I want to be on my own because I am bringing others down, I’m not good company, I just want to be on my own in general because that is all that goes through my head (It’s sad, really, because I am surrounded by the most wonderful people and it must be difficult for them to fathom why I feel this way). Then the anxiety kicks in, yes I want to be alone, but there’s this constant fear of becoming lonely – of pushing everyone away. Having Depression and Anxiety is a daily struggle: It is feeling absolutely everything at once and all of a sudden feeling aloof and numb.
Moving swiftly onwards, I just want to tell you some of my intentions for the year ahead. The biggest goal, of course, is finding myself again. I want to feel like Charlene McElhinney; like I said in my last post, I no longer recognize this girl I have become, I want to find the old me again. That is my biggest goal this year. I also want to continue blogging – but more frequently – and I want to make sure that I am updating my journal as much as possible too. Writing is a passion for me, not a task, however I want to improve my writing this year as much as I possibly can and take it more seriously. I want to gain more frequent readers and receive feedback and comments on my blogs. I want to engage people – that would be nice. I would love to pick up my guitar and find the confidence to start singing again. I want to be a better Girlfriend, Friend and Daughter. I want to be a better person in general. I want to smile more, laugh more, embrace life, take risks and grasp opportunities. I know I am being a bit optimistic but these are all just goals I have set in my head – I just want to take note of them so I can look back and see if I ever accomplished these goals. There are other things too that I wish to achieve in 2016 but I don’t feel like I should share them all.
Today I visited the dentist. I was terrified because I was getting a numbing jag so that they could fix a filling that I had previously had done years ago. I don’t know why I was so worried about it – I have tattoos – needles don’t bother me that much. I think it was just the thought of not feeling anything afterwards. It all went alright though. I’m home, with a numb mouth, and feeling much better that I have had it done. I love the super clean feeling you have after leaving the dentist!
Anyway, I just wanted to let you all know that I’m still here and I am still blogging. I just needed a few days to myself to get my head around some things. I’m not going to let anyone put me down this year. Not a chance.