Someone told me that it is my job to make people understand what it is I am going through. Yes, I’m smiling in photos. Yes, when I go out I put some make up on and make an effort with my appearance. Yes, I do these things. But I am not all that I seem. I can understand why people may not think that I am going through a difficult time – my social media pages suggest otherwise – but that’s just it. The thing is, with social media, we only portray what we want people to see. We want to create the allusion that our lives are going well and we are happy and content. When in actual fact: We are not.
That is why I started a blog. I wanted to open up and talk about what I think and feel on a regular basis. I wanted to try and explain what it is like for a 19 year old girl to be suffering such anxiety and depression. I wanted to try and explain myself to those who think negatively or wrongly of me; likewise to those who thought I was happy and comfortable. In saying that, there are many other reasons why I started a blog…
I did not just start a blog to write about depression and anxiety. This was simply just a way of venting for me and trying to make progress. There are a variety of topics in which I definitely want to blog about. I wanted my blog to be an online journal. I mentioned, previously, that I have been writing in a journal since I was at Primary School. I still do to this day. However, I just felt that taking my personal writing online may be beneficial for me. And I’m enjoying it thus far. I will continue to do so.
Recently, since I started going to the gym, I have been watching what I eat. My main reason for going to the gym is to uplift my mood and to try and encourage me to leave the house more (which I have been doing). I downloaded an app, it’s called ‘My Fitness Pal’. It’s brilliant. You can track what you are eating, drinking and how much excersize you are doing. You enter in your height, weight, age, gender and goals and it sets you an amount of calories a day as a ‘goal’. It’s a great thing if you want to lose, gain or even maintain your weight. I’m a terrible eater – extremely fussy – I don’t eat fish, eggs, I don’t eat much meat or chicken, I’m not a fan of vegetables (unless it is my mum’s lentil soup!), I rarely eat fruit… and so on and so forth. I’m really enjoying tracking what I eat on a daily basis as I am realising how bad my eating habits are and where I need to improve. I definitely recommend it. It’s brilliant.
Today I got up at 06:30am. I did not sleep very well last night. It took me absolutely ages to drift off to sleep (I wouldn’t even say I drifted off, it was a struggle). My mind was in overdrive. No matter how much I tried to focus on something else; my mind would wander. It was awful. I felt myself tossing and turning for ages. It really is infuriating. Eventually, I got to sleep. I could not tell you how much sleep I had but I am a very tired girl today. My plan of action today is to go to the gym, with my friend, and work up a sweat. I want to exhaust myself so that, hopefully, tonight I can sleep easily. The chances of that happening are pretty slim but it is worth a shot.
I hope that you have an enjoyable and easy day whatever you are doing. 🙂