I can’t sleep. It’s been the case a lot lately that I am struggling to fall asleep at night. I find myself lying in bed, overthinking, and driving myself insane with the constant thoughts racing through my head – it gets to the stage where I feel my head hurting from it all. Reiterating a statement from my last post: (purely to emphasise how much it would mean to me) All I want is a decent night’s sleep – is that too much to ask?
I thought, seeing as I am wide awake and basically just lying in bed admiring and gazing at my glow in the dark moons and stars on my bedroom ceiling, why not write a blog post? So here I am. I was reflecting earlier on my blog posts, what type of blogger actually am I? Would I even say I am a ‘Blogger’? I basically use my blog as another form of a journal. I have kept a journal for almost 10 years of my life – when I decided to begin an online blog it was purely just to open up and try and share some of my experiences with others. My main reason for starting a blog was to share with people my battle with Depression and Anxiety and to try and convey how much it has changed me as a person. I received some really heartening and encouraging responses following this post which resulted in me wanting to blog more and more – which is great! I guess I had an epiphany when I began writing online and sharing my experiences with other people: I rediscovered my passion for writing. And so I applied for college to do a Professional Writing Course in the Creative Industries only to be accepted and secured a definite place. I can honestly, whole-heartedly, say that I did not expect to be given a place. I don’t entirely know why I did not expect this outcome; It is probably just due to the fact that I really do not have much faith in myself at all. I’m working on it. College is going to be an absolutely enormous step for me – it really is. After the strenuous and challenging year I have endured, I really did not expect myself to push myself as much as I have. I’m proud of myself for achieving what I have so far. (If you had of seen me several months/a year ago – you would not believe the progress that I have made). But that does not mean I am better, that does not mean I am 100% again, I am most definitely nowhere near where I want to be yet. I am still not back to ‘myself’ yet. Like I say, it’s a stepping stone, and it is a massive step in the right direction.
Today, I had my last ‘session’ or ‘appointment’ (whatever you would prefer to call it) with a lady whom I’ve been working with for roughly 8 months or so. She is moving on now, elsewhere, and so today was our final meeting together. It was really emotional actually. This is a lady who has seen me on my ‘down’ days and who has shared with me some ‘good’ days. I would always enter the room with so much locked away inside, with no intentions of ever opening up, and this lady was so patient, so understanding and ever so kind to me when I did eventually share my thoughts and feelings. We worked together in many ways. We discussed ways in which I can challenge my thoughts, she recommended many ways in which I could try and improve my perpetual terrible sleepless nights, she helped me realise that I am important – that I have as much right as everyone else in the world to be doing ‘normal’ things, she encouraged me to attend the gym. She was always there – once a week – for me to speak to. I had grown to trust her and confide in her weekly. I spoke with her in a way that I have never spoke with someone before. I was privileged to have worked with her for so long. Leaving the room today, knowing that she is moving on and I will no longer be able to rely on her every week for someone to listen to me and understand me, was difficult. I have this fear in the back of my mind, what if I begin going in a downwards spiral again? I don’t want to feel rubbish all of the time again; at least now I have good days. This lady has really helped me come a long way and I am eternally grateful for that. It’s sad though, isn’t it, when you become comfortable with someone and I guess you just always assume that they will be there. But they won’t. People come and people go. Life is difficult. I guess I just need to trust myself – I need to take what I’ve learned over the past 8 months (or so) with this amazing woman and just put it all in to action – on my own. I need to believe in myself. That was one of the things she told me today before I left the room – she told me I was strong – and I realise, now, that I am.
I have began picking up bits and bobs for Summer as my boyfriend is taking me away to Malta in August for my birthday (just before I start my College course). I am looking forward to it but I am also extremely nervous. We have been to Malta twice together before and both times I suppressed myself from countless opportunities and didn’t do things I wanted to do and held myself back because I felt inferior and I was anxious and worried. THIS year, though, I want it to be impeccable. I want to do everything. I so badly want to go on holiday and feel carefree and spontaneous and create such beautiful memories. I want to do all of the things that I never done the first time so badly. I guess I want to feel normal. I want to feel like ‘me’. I’m determined to push myself now. I have so many good things in my life and I want to acknowledge that and utilise these wonderful things and use them as my motivation. For once, I am going to give myself credit, as it is vital that we give credit when credit is due: I have been trying so damn hard over the past few months to get to where I am now. Although I have a very long way to go, I am pleased with the efforts that I have put in so far, and long may they continue. For anyone who suffers from any sort of Depression, Anxiety or any other Mental Health condition – I highly advise that you try and confide in someone. It may not seem like the right thing to do at the time as you worry that nobody will understand you or accept you but I guarantee, once you have got some of the things that are constantly burdening you and always on your mind, off of your chest – you will feel as though a weight has been lifted off your shoulder. Perhaps this may be a very light weight, so be it, any small step that you decide to take is progress. Always give yourself credit when credit is due.
(I realise that I am getting a bit carried away and turning this blog post in to some sort of ‘inspirational’ speech – or perhaps more of a rigmarole – however I simply just wanted to share with you all a brief version of my journey and a summary of my day.)
As always, I will leave my details at the bottom of the post, should you want to contact me, feel free! I always welcome advice and comments etc! You can also follow me on my other social networking sites if you are interested in my posts!
I am going to share a photo of me in a bikini that arrived today at an absolute bargain price (as always)! I am all about body positivity at the moment and I am trying (and working) so hard to feel comfortable in my own skin at the moment – it’s important to take pictures sometimes.
Until next time!
Charlene McElhinney X
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Twitter: @mcelhinneyxx @blogabtnothing1