An Open Letter to an Old Friend

Old friend,

You have no idea how much I cared for you. I would have went out of my way for you. I trusted you. We went through a lot together. I felt like you always had my back; I thought you were one of the good ones. Boy, was I wrong?

When I was down – you kicked me. You hit me right where it hurt. You degraded me and publicly humiliated me. Why? Did you think you were better than me? Did you not understand? I never got answers from you.

I think of you from time to time and I feel sad. I guess, more than anything, I feel sad for you. You have lost a good friend. I am not one for blowing my own trumpet but I know – for sure – that I am one thing: And that is a decent friend.

I confided in you, put my trust in you, believed in you and for what? For you to throw that back in my face like I never mattered or meant anything to you.  A month ago we were sitting together sharing chips from the same plate, laughing and talking like there’s no tomorrow, as good friends do; one month later you turn your nose up at me and feel the need to try and really make me feel bad about myself – infront of everyone. And why did you do this? because I was suffering from Depression and somehow you didn’t believe me. Somehow, you thought you were well within your right to post on my social media page (for my family, friends and loved ones to see) and state that I should not be getting my hair cut because I am not working. That you didn’t believe that I was suffering from Depression or Anxiety. That if I could go to the gym then I could go out and work.

Not that I have to justify myself to anyone but let me tell you this: I want to work. I want to be normal and do what normal people do. I want to go out and see the world. You have no idea what I’ve been through, at previous jobs, or what I was suffering from. If I didn’t have Depression, I would never have been put on the highest dosage of medication. Nor would I have been attending counselling for over a year now or reffered to a physchologist and going to regular doctor appointments every single month. God, you have no idea.

But I want to thank you. Thank you for making me realise that you can be let down by even the people you care about most. Thank you for teaching me to expect the unexpected. Thank you for giving me the motivation to go and try so damn hard to overcome Depression. Thank you for proving to me what an awful friend you were and for leaving my life before I gave you the chance to hurt me again. And most of all, thank you for the good times because I really did love our friendship and the laughs we shared together. I’ll never forget the good times.

So if I ever pass you, old friend, I will hold my head high. I will show you that I have nothing to be ashamed of. I am who I am, and obviously that was not enough for you. You will never find anyone quite like me, and for that, you have lost.

Until next time
Charlene McElhinney
EMAIL: charlenemcelhinney@icloud.com

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