I start college on Monday…

Good morning sweethearts,

I’m currently having severe holiday blues right now as the particles of gloom which keep me in the house are falling from the sky. Normally, I don’t mind rain (as long as I have nowhere I need to be), but I guess I just got used to the sunshine every day and witnessing rain again – like this – is just a bit dispiriting. Especially as I am going out tonight!

I wanted to write about the fact that I am starting college on Monday: The 5th of September 2016. I am absolutely terrified. I’ve never been in any further education since I left school a few years ago and I’m just a bag of nerves really. I keep having all these daunting thoughts: What if I ain’t as good as the other people in the course? What if I don’t make any friends and nobody likes me? What if I struggle and my Depression gets worse again and I start going back the way?… I guess it is only natural to have such thoughts when you are walking in to the unknown.

I left school after my 6 years of secondary education. Everyone was applying for college, university, jobs etc and me? Well, I just didn’t know what I wanted. I wasn’t ready to make that sort of decision. So I decided that I would take a ‘gap year’. This was going well, I had a fabulous little sales job that kept me going and I made an abundance of new friends and gained new skills. After a while the hours were getting too much so I decided to start looking for something a bit different, you know? I landed myself a reasonable job in a call centre which I figured would suit me nicely: It was your average 9-5 job with a good pay and yeah, I was pretty chuffed. All went well for the first couple of weeks in my training, I met a bunch of girls (all older than I was – I was 18 at the time) and they seemed like a good laugh and decent company. So I looked forward to going in for the first while. When we all passed our training and went out on the floor – everything changed.

These girls who were once as sweet as honey and as nice as pie became the bitchiest, nastiest and immature beings I’ve stumbled across. Of course, with it being my first proper job, I hadn’t a clue what to do. At school, there was always someone you could go to and confide in, but this wasn’t school. I felt alone. I felt isolated. I felt anxious coming in to work. And it got worse. Eventually I went to HR: They done nothing. The girls got worse and my days got longer. I dreaded getting out of bed in the morning. They would mock me if I was on the phone, getting a sale, and laugh and talk loudly to put me off; they would pass notes to one another about me and childishly giggle and exchange looks; they would wait for me at the end of work to walk right up behind me – making sure I knew that’s where they were – all the way to the bus station; they would whisper and text one another and make sure I knew it was about me – and one day after work, one of the girls pushed me, did I react? No. I let them. Eventually, one day, I decided it was enough. I got up and I walked out. I went to HR and told them I was leaving. luckily, I did not need to work my notice as I hadn’t took any holidays. Thank goodness. I physically, and mentally, could not have handled one more day in that place.

So let’s just say after this happening, a few other events, different experiences in my life and a really tough year: I discovered I had Depression & severe anxiety. I wouldn’t leave the house, I cut myself off from people and I became a completely different person.

I won’t go into all that just now as I’ve wrote loads of posts about my struggles with Depression etc and this post is solely meant to be about me starting college – a fresh start – a new beginning: Something positive.

I am so proud of myself for getting into this course. I think something like 400-600 people applied and I was one of the lucky few that secured a place in it. I am looking forward to starting, don’t get me wrong, but I am super duper nervous. Monday is going to be such a big day for me. I will be sure to let you all know how I get on. 

I feel blessed that I have my own little corner of the Internet, my blog, where I have the ability to share my journey with you all. Going through depression, starting college, what I get up to on a regular basis – as well as reviews, poetry and an abundance of other things. I am so proud of how far I have come this year. I will not stop pushing myself. I feel so blessed right now. 

Charlene McElhinney

SNAPCHAT: TheMcElhiester
EMAIL: charlenemcelhinney@icloud.com

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