It’s just turned midday and I’ve been feeling down in the dumps since last night: I thought I would take to my blog (my own little space on the internet) to have a little bit of a rant and free my mind. The reason why I started blogging was because I wanted to take my journal online and share my thoughts, feelings and experiences with you guys and also because I wanted to open up about certain things in my life: I need to remind myself, from time to time, that this is why I started blogging and although I cover just about everything on my blog now – I should still be free to talk about things that are playing on my mind whenever I want. So here I am.
Last night I attended a ‘City Lines’ event for Book Week Scotland within my college. It was an opportunity for HNC professional writers on my course to read some of their work aloud to an audience and to listen to one another’s writing too. I, of course, didn’t volunteer to read. Why? Simple. I doubt myself constantly. I think my work is inferior to everyone elses. I think I’ll make a fool of myself or mess everything up. I don’t believe in myself enough. I sat at the back of the room, looking on at my peers at the microphone sharing their work, and I felt empty. I could have done that. I should have done that. Why didn’t I? I was also offered the opportunity to perform at the event too: To sing and play guitar, a gig, something I used to do regularly a few times a week. But I couldn’t do it. I said no. I turned it down. Like everything in my life at the moment: I rejected the opportunity. I don’t know why I knock back so many things in my life and hold myself back all of the bloody time; I only regret it and beat myself up for it afterwards. So yeah, I feel pretty unhappy. I feel like I’ve let myself down. And I feel as if I’m below everyone else. A day in the mind of Charlene McElhinney.
I try and get along with everyone. I am always the person who tries to make sure everyone is included and I always aim to make people laugh and feel comfortable. I’m that person. Often, it takes it out of me, drains and exhuasts me. As I suffer from Depression: I can have extremely bad days. And yet I get up, go out, and try and act normal and hide everything behind a big fake smile that everyone seems to be taken in by. I always aim to make sure everyone enjoys my company. Everyone. I want people to feel relaxed, comfortable and at ease around me. I always go above and beyond to make sure that is achieved. When someone throws that back in your face – it’s not a nice feeling. Not nice at all. But I’ll keep doing my thing. I’ll keep smiling, making people laugh and doing what I do best. But it eats away at me. Bit by bit.
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