Picture taken by me in Ayr last year
It’s a beautiful day outside (which is a rarity in Scotland) and I’ve spent the day cooked up inside.
I’m having a ‘down’ day.
This post is going to be a total contrast in comparison to my previous few posts, where I have been keeping positive and sharing an abundance of good news with you all, this is a whole other kettle of fish all together.
I wasted the whole day. It’s 15:07 and I’m still sat in my pyjamas; I haven’t ate a thing and I’ve barely moved. I have felt mentally and physically exhausted the whole day. I’m so angry with myself as I had loads planned for today. I was going to get up, be productive, go a run, maybe go to the shops and get something nice for lunch, I was going to read a book, work on some college stuff and at least put my face on and get dressed. I couldn’t. I remember at 10am I sat and stared at the door, which was ajar, and it annoyed me for almost two hours and yet I couldn’t bring myself to get up and close it. It’s not laziness. I don’t know what it is. I am aware it’s my Mental Health causing me to lock myself away again but I can’t do anything about it.
My mind has been driving me crazy today – the negative thoughts have been constant and haven’t gave me a break. They have been telling me I’m rubbish at everything, that I’m not going anywhere, that I’ve let myself go, that people don’t like me, that I’m a mess, that I’m an inconvenience and so on and so forth. It’s been draining. Really draining. From 12-3pm I slept. I wasn’t tired but I slept anyway (anything to stop the negative thoughts for a while). I’ve woke up feeling exactly the same. This is why I’m writing this post.
It’s important to know that if you suffer from Depression you are not always going to be constantly low but it’s not something that ever goes away. Let’s just say I’ve been having a good spell lately and that this ‘down’ day has hit me like a ton of bricks. I wasn’t expecting it and that’s why it’s been so difficult. I forgot how to deal with the down days. I didn’t know what to do with myself. And it’s been dreadful.
There is so much I wanted to do today and I’ve just wasted it. Completely wasted it. I’m so annoyed at myself but there was nothing I could do to try and give myself a push or change my mind-set. Nothing at all.
I hope tomorrow is a bit better for me.
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