Today I planned to go to the gym, read a book in a coffee shop, go and get my hair done (which I’ve been putting off for about 4 months) and just generally have a productive day with my day off college. Instead I did nothing. I could barely leave my bed. I was so down. I slept most of the day away; I’m so annoyed at myself.
I know it’s not my fault but I just don’t know how much longer I can keep living like this. My mental health is holding me back so much. I am so great at giving other people advice and helping them on their down days and when it comes to me – I’m useless.
I feel like I’ve totally let myself go and because of this I hate being out in public; I’ve been spending a lot of time indoors lately. I want to go to the gym and do something about it but I’m paranoid that people will see me, that recognise me, and talk about how I’ve let myself go and lost all of my progress. I know I’m probably just overthinking but I still can’t bring myself to go. I’m consumed by these negative thoughts. They control everything I do. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.
I wrote a book all about my mental health and it has been helping other people and comforting them etc. Why can’t I read my own book and take comfort from it? I can’t take my own advice. When I read it, I scrutinise it, I think it’s not good enough. I think I am not good enough. At anything.
I’ve mastered pretending I’m OK by smiling and making other people laugh. But it’s draining me. It really is. I’m not OK. I need to admit this and accept it. I need to stop pretending I’m fine because I’m not. So many people in this world take their own lives, self-harm and beat themselves up because they keep their mental health issues locked away within themselves and try and ignore it but I can’t keep doing that because I do not want to go down that road. I want to help myself. I just don’t know how.
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