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I want to help myself; I just don’t know how.

Today I planned to go to the gym, read a book in a coffee shop, go and get my hair done (which I’ve been putting off for about 4 months) and just generally have a productive day with my day off college. Instead I did nothing. I could barely leave my bed. I was so down. I slept most of the day away; I’m so annoyed at myself.

I know it’s not my fault but I just don’t know how much longer I can keep living like this. My mental health is holding me back so much. I am so great at giving other people advice and helping them on their down days and when it comes to me – I’m useless.

I feel like I’ve totally let myself go and because of this I hate being out in public; I’ve been spending a lot of time indoors lately. I want to go to the gym and do something about it but I’m paranoid that people will see me, that recognise me, and talk about how I’ve let myself go and lost all of my progress. I know I’m probably just overthinking but I still can’t bring myself to go. I’m consumed by these negative thoughts. They control everything I do. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

I wrote a book all about my mental health and it has been helping other people and comforting them etc. Why can’t I read my own book and take comfort from it? I can’t take my own advice. When I read it, I scrutinise it, I think it’s not good enough. I think I am not good enough. At anything.

I’ve mastered pretending I’m OK by smiling and making other people laugh. But it’s draining me. It really is. I’m not OK. I need to admit this and accept it. I need to stop pretending I’m fine because I’m not. So many people in this world take their own lives, self-harm and beat themselves up because they keep their mental health issues locked away within themselves and try and ignore it but I can’t keep doing that because I do not want to go down that road. I want to help myself. I just don’t know how.

 

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12 thoughts on “I want to help myself; I just don’t know how.

  1. I’ve been scrolling through your posts this evening and I just want to say how wonderful your blog is – but this post in particular struck a chord with me. You’ve managed to write about feelings that I have but can’t seem to articulate. Mental illness doesn’t have a cure, it’s not like putting a cast on a broken leg, or just taking some antibiotics until you’re better. It’s trial and error, which makes it impossible to know how to help yourself. I hope you’re doing okay now sweetheart, stay strong xxx

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  2. I do hope you start feeling more yourself soon Charlene. It’s okay to have days where you are in bed all day, let yourself have those days just don’t beat yourself up about it. There have been many times where I can’t take my own advice, I think it’s a natural thing so don’t worry just try to look on the brighter side of things. I have also let myself go when it comes to my body, I’m actually embarrassed about the way I look at the moment, however I try to look on the other great things in my life at the moment and I try not to focus on the way I look as I have people and a boyfriend who think I’m perfect how I am today.
    Sorry if this comment doesn’t help but I do hope you perk up soon, remember you have me and many others who will happily sit and listen and help.

    Lots of Love, Tabitha x http://whattabithaloves.blogspot.co.uk/

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  3. I’m so sorry to hear this lovely. You are amazing and I am sure everyone will agree with me. You need to take your own advice, which is always hard. You can do it though and get back on that right path.

    Always here if you want to talk xxxx

    Steph xx

    Steph’s World | Lifestyle Blog | http://www.stephsworld.com

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  4. I’ve also been pretending that I’m ok when I really am not for a couple of months now. No one knows what I feel except for my partner because I can’t bear to let anyone else know my situation (they have enough problems of their own). I hope you feel better soon lovely ❤

    skinnydecxflatte.blogspot.com xo

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  5. I know how you feel – since my latest miscarriage, I’ve really struggled to get out of the house, especially with a few of my friends being pregnant. I go to work, but struggle to remember why I’m there and I push everyone away – friends, family, even my husband. I know I’ve only met you once, but if there’s anything I can do to help you, just send me a wee message – hope you’re feeling better soon! Xx

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  6. I’m so sorry to hear that you are feeling like this. It’s important to acknowledge how you are feeling and to take time for yourself to get on top of it. I totally can relate to a lot you have said, but you can do this. you are strong and we are always here to support you, my lovely friend

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  7. I feel this so much, I’ve recently just got out of a stage of feeling that depressed and it was honestly the worst! Whilst I find encouragement from others sometimes helped I couldn’t find any reason to get out of bed at all. I hope this passes for you soon lovely! X

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  8. I feel like this so often but what I have learnt is that you mustn’t ever be hard on yourself for how your brain works. Mental health sucks but don’t ever beat yourself up because its just going to make yourself feel worse. Your book has helped so many people including me but its okay to not be able to take your own advice! I have written a lot of blog posts and then not been able to take my own advice and that’s ok. It takes a while for your own advice to sink in. I know its hard but try not to be so harsh on yourself. I’m so so incredibly proud of you xox

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