I’m the worst person in the world for putting things off. There, I said it. I’ve been in denial about it for so damn long. I don’t know how to explain it, or even what I’m trying to explain, but I’m going to give it a bash anyway.
I guess I developed this proclivity of dragging things out and prolonging the inevitable when my anxiety and depression hit rock bottom. Now, it’s just a part of who I am. A very large part of who I am and I hate it.
Let me give you some examples: Reading and replying to messages, meeting up with friends, visiting family members, spending time with people I desperately want to see, making appointments, making phone calls, tidying and organising my room, hitting the gym, reading a book, painting my nails, updating my phone or an app, applying for a job or a position, applying for anything, submitting any of my work to publishers or online magazines, putting myself forward, picking up a guitar – these are just a handful of things that I put off on a regular basis that I so desperately want or need to do. Some are just everyday basic tasks or things; some are important and necessary. Either way, I put them to the back of my mind and try and tell myself that I’ll deal with it tomorrow. Or the next day. Or the next.
It’s not just procrastination. It’s a much deeper level of delaying than an average procrastinator. I wonder if there is a name or definition for such a thing. I put things off, and I don’t sit around not caring about it, I literally beat myself up about it on a daily basis. It’s always on my mind. Constantly. And I’ll tell you what makes it worse – nobody understands.
My friends don’t understand why I haven’t seem them in a while. They think I couldn’t care less or that I’m too caught up in my own world. I’m not. I think about it all of the time. I torture myself. And then it results in me getting even more anxious to do these things the longer I prolong them. It happened with me leaving high school and wanting to take a gap year because I didn’t believe I was ready for further education yet. This set me back even more. People kicked me when I was down, humiliated me on social media, made me feel like a bum because I wasn’t doing anything with my life. Nobody knew what I was going through. But they stuck the knife in deeper and held me back for longer. Yet I blame myself. It happened again when I knew something wasn’t right with my mind or myself so I delayed the inevitable and I didn’t seek help, I didn’t go to the doctors, I suffered in silence for at least a year before I got help. It happened again when I wanted to go and visit my Gran McElhinney, but I couldn’t bring myself to leave the 4 walls of my bedroom for months and months on end, and then I lost my favourite lady in the whole wide world. I never knew the last time I seen her it was going to be the last. She didn’t know how badly I was suffering. She didn’t know how badly I wanted to go and visit her but it was just that I couldn’t bring myself to leave the house…
I know I’m not the only one who feels like this. There’s got to be someone else out there who puts things off as much as me. Who has 100+ unread messages on their emails, texts, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter etc. yet can’t bring themselves to just open the message and reply. It may take you weeks, months or even years to open that message. Or you might never. You put it off because your mind tells you it’s the right thing to do. People think you’re rude, ignorant or that you just don’t care. I can’t stress it enough, you have no idea how badly I just want to be normal, to just do these average everyday things like everyone else. You have no idea how badly I want to go and visit my neighbour, who lives a few doors down and is a very dear friend to me, that I have been meaning to pop in and see for ages. But. I. Just. Can’t. Something is very wrong and I can’t quite put my finger on it.
My best friend always grills me and tells me ‘I know you like to put things off’. I promise you all that this is not the case. I hate it with every single inch of my every being. How can I ever expect to be successful when all I ever do is let people down? I let myself down.
Oh, it’s bloody awful. I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone. It seems like such a simple thing: Answering a message, meeting a friend for a coffee, phoning a doctors appointment… but I can assure you – for someone like me, these tasks are like sticking needles in my eyes and my tummy ties itself in knots just thinking about it. Isn’t that terrible?
I just want to take this opportunity to apologise to each and every one of you because I am a hopeless case. If you’ve ever commented on a post and I haven’t replied – it’s not me being ignorant. If you have ever sent me a message and I haven’t got back to you – it’s nothing you have done. If I haven’t seen you for a while and I regard you as my friend – I promise I do still care about you very much.
It’s just something I’ve got going on inside which is unexplainable but I’ve tried my very best to tell you what it is. I just hope that you all understand.
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