I always encourage other people to speak out about their mental health – to reach out for help when they are feeling vulnerable or low. And what do I do? I struggle alone. Silently. I think it’ll shift itself and that I’m best not worrying anyone.
Suddenly I’ve hit rock bottom again and I feel like the world owns me. I feel like I’m being tickled on the nose with a feather and I can’t scratch the itch. I feel like everyone is against me and that even I am against me. What is wrong with me?
I can’t even put words together. I’m a writer who neglects her blog, refuses to excel in just about everything, refuses to believe that I’m anything more than nothing, who just can’t seem to put her finger on what the hell is wrong with me? I’m at university, and I’m so fucking lucky to be in the position I am in, and yet I struggle to leave my bed in the morning because I can’t face lectures. I can’t face people. I can’t face it.
Nevertheless, I go, and I try, and I’m truly grateful for my position. I am. Please don’t mistake my musings as thankless. But then, I’ve worked damn hard, and I do deserve this place at university. So why am I brainwashing myself in to thinking I’m less than everyone else, that I’m undeserving, and not capable.
You see, the way I speak to you now, is the way I battle with myself every. single. day.
It’s a battle in my mind, day in, and day out. It’s never-ending. It’s tiring. It’s draining. It’s not my fault I think this way. And it’s not yours either. When you’re feeling like the whole world is on your shoulders, it probably is, and you shouldn’t beat yourself up about feeling pressured by deadlines, mundane day-to-day activities, meeting a friend, running an errand etc. – sometimes having lots of little things to do in one day can somehow manifest and transform itself in to being one huge gargantuan thing. And big things are scary. They are. I think that’s what keeps us going though.
So please, if you do one thing today, no matter how big or how small – give yourself a pat on the back. Allow yourself to feel proud of your accomplishment. Maybe you’ll wash your hair, or go to the post office, or get dressed, or put some make up on, or text a friend back… whatever it is you are entitled to feel good about it. Why do we always feel bad for doing these things, and regard them as normality, when it consumes every ounce of energy you’ve got to do them? That’s not normal. And that’s OK. We all have these days. We all have these moments. Stop putting yourself down. I’m not just talking to you guys right now, I’m talking to me, too.
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