I’ve always been a dreamer. I guess you could call me indecisive, spontaneous, a little unresolved but always a dreamer. Always keeping my options open. Always aspiring to be more than what I am. There comes a point in life where one has to ask themselves: am I wanting too much? Do I aspire to be more than I can actually be? Is this why I’m never content within myself? Who knows. I don’t. Do you?
From a young age, I wanted to be a writer, a storyteller. I seized every opportunity to write stories and get lost in a world that wasn’t my own. I would go on to win ‘star writer’ in school more than the average kid, I’d have 3 poems published before the age of 13, I’d keep a journal daily and pour my heart down on paper at the end of the day. I was adamant I was going to be a writer.
Then I started secondary school. I realised I had the profoundest passion for acting and drama. I’d attended drama clubs at a young age, and always enjoyed it, but secondary school was opening doors for me that I had never really considered. Plus, I could write scripts and explore my writing skills within this subject too. It was perfect. I would go on stage, perform, and revel in being someone else for a little while. I would lose myself in worlds that were unlike my own – again. I was in my element. At school, my 3 main subjects were English, Drama and Music. Let me take you with me through the next chapter in my life.
I left school. I decided to have a gap year. I wasn’t ready to go to college or university like my peers. No. I’d take a year out, find myself, and then I’d decide what path to take. I was in and out of jobs doing mainly sales and meanwhile I found a love for playing guitar, writing my own songs and being a musician with my free time. I started gigging around Glasgow in pubs and clubs making some easy money doing what I loved. I would busk in the bustling streets of the city centre. I’d write my own songs, share them on social media, and I’d sing like the world depended on it. I wanted to be a singer. A musician.
And then I lost my confidence. I crawled in to a shell. The big bad world threw obstacles at me that I couldn’t overcome. This resulted in me sequestering myself away from everyone and everything. Abandoning my hopes and dreams. I was good for nothing.
My battle with depression and anxiety lasted longer than anyone anticipated. I still struggle to this day. Fortunately, I was surrounded with the most marvellous people who saved me from my demons and I am perpetually indebted to them. They literally gave me life. Whilst battling depression, I decided to take my journal online, I started a blog. I just want to stress that this was one of the best things I ever did in my life to date. Inevitably, my passion for writing rekindled as I took to my online safe space and began sharing parts of my life through words. I became an open book. And then I decided to write one.
I wrote and published my first book at 20-years-old. Melancholy Mind. It is an anthology of poetry about my mental health journey with snippets from my blog and other musings. It was a difficult thing to share, a very trying time, but holding my book in my hands was the most surreal feeling in the world. Especially considering everything I had been through – never did I think I’d achieve this. I bagged myself an HNC in Professional Writing Skills in the Creative Industries at the City of Glasgow College and graduated after one year. I found myself getting 3 offers from various universities. I had the option to study Psychology, English, Creative Writing, Journalism – the world was my oyster. I still wasn’t sure which path to take.
At the age of 21 it is expected of you to have at least been to further education since secondary and so I bit the bullet and accepted an offer. I am currently a 1st year university student at the University of Strathclyde in Glasgow – studying Creative Writing, Journalism, English & Law. I’m the lifestyle editor of the Strathclyde Telegraph and I’m still blogging away, after 2 years. My book sales are slow and steady and I’ve received an abundance of positive reviews and responses to which I am forever grateful for. I’m currently working on a little something but it’ll be a while before it forms in to a big something. I’m a busy girl, what can I say? I still try to sing from time to time, and do little snippets of me covering songs, and sharing them on social media but I haven’t picked up my guitar in years. Who knows what will happen with that.
I went through a phase, too, where I wanted to be a model. I was doing photoshoots and the like from the age of 16, building a port-folio. I’ve always been in front of a camera for photos for blog posts etc. too! In 2017 I was a finalist in the Miss Glasgow pageant and I walked the catwalk in a bikini(!) trying my very best to hold my head high. It was a nerve-wracking experience but I’m proud of myself for doing it.
So, I guess, what I’m trying to say to you guys here is do I want to be too much? Does anyone really know what they want to be or do in life? We leave school at 16/17/18 years old and are expected to enter the big bad world knowing what we want to become. If I’d have went to further education when I left school I would not have been a writer; I would not have published a book, so I guess the cliché saying is true – everything happens for a reason. Do what you think is right. Don’t worry about what everyone else is doing.
I worried far too much, in my depressive state, about what everyone else was doing. It took me longer than most to get where I think I want to be but such is life. We all have battles, struggles and obstacles to face. We all change our minds, hearts and paths. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be too much. Why can’t you be everything?
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