I used to be the outgoing one, the glue that held the group together, I belonged to a plethora of different friendship groups and then all of a sudden I was a lone wolf.
boohoo plus midi skirt
boohoo plus bandeau top
Growing up, everyone wanted to be my friend, I was forever trying to split myself in half to appease everyone. I was popular and everyone enjoyed my company. I made people laugh. I made people feel at ease. I always tried to include everyone. I was the creative one who found or made things for us to do. I was a free spirit and I was a good friend.
So what happened? I can’t pin-point the moment that it all changed for me but what I can say is this: At 22 years old I literally have no friends. No exaggeration. I don’t want sympathy or pity, it’s through things I’ve done, just as much as it’s through things people have done to me. I’ve pushed people away, when my mental illness took over my life, I continuously cancelled plans, postponed things and wriggled my way out of socialising because I just didn’t feel up to it. Eventually some people got sick of my shit and they stopped asking me out, didn’t want to spend time with me, it sucked but it was my own fault.
I’ve lost friends also because of insecurity. I really do loathe myself, and as time goes on, it is becoming worse. I feel so self-conscious about myself that I’m too afraid to let my hair down and be myself and because of this I have lost myself. Well and truly. Sometimes little glimpses appear of the old Charlene and it makes me sad, but happy, too. I want to cling on to that girl and reassure her and allow her to come out because damn I miss the way I used to be. I miss how good it felt to make people laugh, to be the friend that everyone came to for advice and reassurance, to be the one whose company they most enjoyed. I want to be that girl again.
I realised I didn’t have any proper friendships when it was my 22nd birthday and I had not one friend to celebrate with. Not one. Don’t get me wrong, I’m blessed to be part of the blogging community, and I received an abundance of gifts and cards from you lovely lot but I mean ‘real life’ friends here, the kind I can spend time with on a regular basis. That doesn’t happen but you catch my drift. My blogging friends are truly magnificent and whenever I get the chance to meet any of you in the flesh you have NO idea how much that means to me…
Yes. I spent my 22nd birthday with not one friend to spend it with. I received a card from one of the girls I go to university with, and I’d call her a good friend, but she lives too far away for us to have celebrated together. The card that she sent to me meant the world. She thought of me as a friend and went out of her way to acknowledge my birthday. Why did none of my ‘friends’ who live nearby do that? Why did I feel so alone? I don’t want to rant too much here but I’m just sharing the epiphany I had – the moment I realised that I really didn’t have anyone.
It’s hard to have no friends in a day and age where social media is at the forefront of everything we do; it’s hard to log in to Instagram, Facebook and the likes and see people you went to school with all meeting up and keeping in touch. It’s hard to see people your age going on nights out, seeing the world together and just doing stuff. My ‘best-friend’ at the moment is the postman because every day he brings me letters from ‘friends’ from afar, that I might not get to see, but that think of me often and ask after me. It’s nice to be wanted. It’s nice to feel loved and appreciated. We all need that in life, don’t we? On the days where I don’t receive a letter from a pen-friend I feel so detached and isolated from this world.
I’m not sure where I’m going with this post. It’s a personal reflective one, and those are my favourite kind to write, but this one is saddening. I’m finally admitting that I ain’t got friends. I’m 22 and I’m so fucking lonely it shatters me. I miss having friends. I miss having heart-to-hearts. I miss belly laughs. I miss feeling comfortable in someone else’s home like it was my own. I miss making plans. I miss looking forward.
I so badly wanted to write this post because I’m genuinely curious to know if anyone else feels the same, and if they do, then maybe they will take some comfort from knowing they aren’t alone. I’ll be your friend from afar. I ain’t got many friends IRL but online I have tons and at least every day I can get support, encouragement and ‘friendship’ from them. I know it’s not the same as a real life tangible friend but it’s something. Imagine we didn’t have social media, I’d literally be lost to the world, my only friends my cats, parents and my boyfriend.
Where did all of my friends go? Why am I so lonely, at 22 years old and in my second year at university, am I not meant to be in my prime? When was the last time I had a friend to go to the dancing with? When was the last time I was invited to a party? Sigh. I needed to get this off my chest so badly. As much as I hope that there’s nobody out there in the same boat as me, I kind of hope there is, because then I’ll feel less alone and maybe for once I won’t go through the day beating myself up.
Until next time,